Thursday, January 28, 2010

The most interesting man in the gym ... maybe in the whole (925)

He's like something out of a strange, adult version of Napoleon Dynamite. I am fascinated by him ... I run on the treadmill and stare at him and wonder 'is that bloke for real, or is he just frakin' with everyone in this gym?'

He walks around like he OWNS Express Fitness. He openly ogles teenage girls and 50-year old women alike. He's like the antithesis to Dos Equis' "most interesting man in the world." The guy must be from Wyoming or Idaho or Utah or one of those desolate places full of dirt, sand and dive bars. He rocks the dark blue denim jacket and matching jeans with dirty, white 1980s Reebok sneakers as if they are going out AND coming back into style.

His hair alone is worth the trip to the gym on a cold, rainy night. He is balding on top, and everything else around his scalp is a mangy, malnutritioned mess of bad hair day ... all day, every day. He has these lamb chop side burns that that stick out into his cheeks as if they are trying desperately to connect.

Best of all is homeboy's eyes. He has these crazy eyes, like that freakazoid at the end of Silence of the Lambs and he accentuates his visage with these big, nerdy 1980s eye glasses. They are the kind of eye glasses that a suspected rapist would wear - and don't take my word for it, just watch Jon Lajoie's spoof on YouTube.

I suppose he sort of resembles the Jeff Barnes character on the NBC TV show Chuck ... but he's so much creepier. Let me leave you with this mental image: he changes out of his glorious denim gear into old school sweat pants, the kind with the draw string and the bunchy elastic around the ankles. To top it off, he rocks an old school tank top, tucked into the draw-string waistband and it shows off all the hair on his shoulders, back and deltoids.

If my man wore a thick beard and trenchcoat, he should be arrested on principle alone. As it is, he roams free as the wind, gettin' his proper sweat on - both at the gym and in his old-school sweat pants. This is not a man that wants an organic truffle with dark chocolate cherry cocoa. This dude wants Fritos, a Snickers bar and a black coffee ... and maybe some mud flaps with the silouhette of a bikini girl.