Monday, January 09, 2006

The Chronic' of Narnia Rap = Crazy Delicious

If you haven't seen this rap video, by Saturday Night Live's Andy Samburg and Chris Parnell, go this link immediately. Do not die and go to heaven without seeing this video first:


Lazy Sunday, wake up in the late afternoon,
Call Parnell just to see how he's doin.
Hello? What up Parn? Yo, Samburg what's crackin?
You thinkin what I'm thinkin? NARNIA, man it's happ'nin.
But first my hunger pangs I'll stick it like duct tape.
Lets hit up Magnolia and mac on some cupcakes.
No doubt that bakery's got all the bomb frostings.
I love those cupcakes like McAdams loves Gosling.

Two no six no twelve — baker's dozen!
I told you that I'm crazy for these cupcakes cousin.
Yo where's the movie playing? Upper West Side dude.
Well let's hit up Yahoo Maps to find the dopest route.
I prefer Mapquest. That's a good one too!
Google maps is the best. True dat, double true!

68th and broadway, step on it sucka!
What ya wanna do Chris? Snack attack, mutha-f**ka!

The chronic-what-cles of Narnia!
Yes, the chronic-what-cles of Narnia!
We love the chronic-what-cles of Narnia!
Pass the chronic-what-cles of Narnia!

Yo stop at the deli, the theater's over-priced.
You got the backpack, gonna pack it up nice.
Don't want security to get suspicious.
Mr. Pibb and Red Vines equals crazy delicious!
I reach in my pocket, pull out some dough.
Girl acted like she never seen a 10 befo'
It's all about the Hamilton's baby!
Throw the snacks in a bag, and I'm ghost like Swayze.

Roll up to the theater, ticket-buyin what we're handling,
You can call us Aaron Burr, from the way we're droppin Hamiltons.
Now parked in our seats Movie trivias the illest.
What friends alum starred in films with Bruce Willis?
We answer so fast it was scary.
Everyone stared in awe when we screamed Matthew Perry!
Now quiet in the theatre or it's gonna get tragic.
We bout to get taken to a dream world of magic.

The chronic-what-cles of Narnia!
Yes, the chronic-what-cles of Narnia!
We love the chronic-what-cles of Narnia!
Pass the chronic-what-cles of Narnia!


If someone would pay me to create silly, spoofy stuff like this all day, I think I'd quit my job tomorrow. Like that new Sprint/Nextell commercial with those corporate pencil pushers bumping and gringing to Salt N' Pepa's "Ooh baby, baby" - goodness that's funny stuff. This is right up my alley ... crazy delicious. It's Beastie Boys meets comic book nerds and if you know me, you'd know that'd make a perfect epitaph on my grave.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

The Raiders ... Vince Young ... Screw the Nebraska Cornhuskers

Wow. Vince Young. Wow. I knew this guy was unstoppable when he ran all over my Michigan Wolverines in last year's Rose Bowl. I figured USC would have a hard time with him and compete down to the wire. I didn't expect Texas to win and to see Vince Young deliver the greatest college football performance I've ever seen. Unbelievable. He proved who should've won the Heisman and who should be taken # 1 overall in the NFL draft. This dude had me jumping up and down like a little kid again - and I'm a Michigan fan! He made football magical, the way a movie like Star Wars or King Kong feels like a magical ride into the land of make believe. Wow.

Speaking of Michigan they were flat out robbed by those small-town refs who didn't throw flags or know how to use the replay system in that fraud of an Alamo Bowl against Nebraska. I hate Nebraska. Hated 'em in 1997 and I hate 'em now. That final play would've gone down as the greatest play ever in NCAA history ... beyond Cal/Stanford and the band in the 1980s. Two things never happened: 1) Michigan's Tight End never lateralled back to the best returner in college football - #15 Steve Breaston - who was calling for the ball at the 20-yard line. 2) The stupid refs never threw a flag on Nebraska for having its whole sideline on the field while it was still a live ball! I hate Nebraska. That's two robberies we owe them pay back for now and I won't forget until both debts are paid.

Now to my beloved Raiders: Norv is out and Kerry Collins is still in ... for now. Hay Dios Mio ... what a mess. I say the Raiders should package some of its talent at WR to try and either move up in the draft or gain an extra pick. Either Ronald Curry or Doug Gabriel is expendable - take your pick. Here is my fantasyland wishlist for Santa Al Davis:

-Hire tough-guy head coach and surround him with recently fired NFL coaches as coordinators. For example: Mike Tice as d-coordinator and Mike Martz as o-coordinator. I like Jim Haslett as a head man, but he knows Al too well, I suspect.

-Institute the Randy Ratio. Hey, another reason to hire Tice!

-Draft a QB then use the rest of the draft on o-line and d-line.

-If Oakland won't bring back my man Charles Woodson, then spend the money on a decent linebacker for once! I'm tired of no-name linebackers. Bring in Julian Peterson from the 49ers. Dude can tackle, cover and rush like nobody's business.

-Re-institute the Tight End and Full Back this year. I know those are trademarks of the West Coast Offense, but Courtney Anderson was untapped potential last year. I'd like to see the Raiders take a flyer on Jon Ritchie at Full Back. He was a true West Coast Full back and I'd like to see him back.

-And if nothing else, for the love of humanity: CUT USELESS-ASS ZACK CROCKETT ALREADY! The guy has been deadwood for years and years and years. He brings NOTHING to the table. Anyone can rush for one yard at a time. Back in the day he lost the goal-line yardage job to Tyrone Wheatley for a reason ... he sucks! He always comes up short when we need it most: the New England Snow Job Game, the Super Bowl against the Bucs and the several times I've seen him NOT score from the one-yard line on three straight carries (sometimes four straight). I don't care how many times he did score ... he had like 8,000 chances over the last five years. He has no vision as a runner and is nothing more than an over-hyped "character" guy for the locker room.

There, I'm all footballed out ... until the NFL Draft, that is. Stay tuned, true believers.